I just snuck away to the refrigerator for some late-night cheese. I’m not talking about a block of cheese or a slice of cheese. We’re talking some stinky, crumbly blue cheese that I had to scoop out of a tub and directly into my mouth.
Oh, the shame.
Was this a good life choice? I currently have zero regrets. I scanned the fridge for other potential snack items. My eyes landed on some suspiciously old-looking cherries, forbidden strawberries (the roommate’s), and chips atop the fridge that would make way too much noise and potentially stir the roommate should I open them… (it is, after all, MIDNIGHT.)
Point is… Other healthier options were clearly available to me. And yet, I stuck with my gut. I stuck with the cheese.
Sometimes, I make some pretty stinky blue cheese decisions in life that just feel right. Other decisions may look healthier, better for me, and like something I would usually choose. Yet, there I am… at the midnight hour of the crux of decision-making, digging my fingers into the stinky cheese of life.
Maybe you can relate to this. Do you ever make a gut decision that, by all means, doesn’t seem like something you would ordinarily do? It’s not along the route you’ve been walking, and it maybe doesn’t make sense alongside all the other decisions you’ve been making for so long (re: it involves change). Yet, your gut/the Lord is saying, “walk along this path. Let go. It’s okay. Eat the stinky cheese of life, and trust it’ll be OK….”
Here’s the thing. I’ve been faced with a stinky cheese decision recently. Remember that time I said I was going to do a thirty day brave challenge and then disappeared for a month at the end? Oh yeah, that’s because being brave brings on the crazy. It’s also bringing on the change.
But first, my compadres: the crazy. The end of May was quite possibly two of the most ridiculous, eventful, good, and stressful weeks of my life. Here’s a summary of the effects of my Brave challenge, from Beginning of May –> End of May:
- Jobless –> employed in sweet new job
- Starting to pursue photography more –> Getting paid photography shoots (for the first time)
- Afraid of running into my ex –> having a reconciling conversation that was so very healing (ok, that was June, but STILL. Really good.)
- Having moneys –> Being almost broke (also for the first time)
- Living far away from my job –> finding an incredibly affordable place to live for the summer much closer to work (also June… Brave ask, nevertheless!)
Lots of great things! And yet…. lots of things. By the end of May, I looked something like this:
Except maybe not as put-together as she is. Jewelry? Who has time for that?!
The Lord has been really good to me. Now, I’m faced with a pretty tough decision.
You see, I have an idea in my head of what I think I should be doing, and I’ve been moving in that direction. Yet, I’ve come to a point where I’m hitting a huge road block, and I don’t know why. I keep pushing and trying, and I feel a total lack of motivation and resistance. There’s an obstacle between where I stand now and the other side of the wall – where lies the very thing I’ve wanted for so long.
Have you ever felt that way before? Where you’ve wanted something for so long that you’re sure it’s right? It must be right! How could it not be? Everything you’ve done up until now has led to this!
Maybe, sometimes… just maybe… God is moving us in a different direction. Maybe He has something unexpected and better for us. Maybe there’s a different method to get to the other side of the wall, or maybe I won’t cross the wall at all.
I was talking with one of my best friends about this tonight, and she said, “God can steer a moving ship better than one that’s standing still, Lauren.”
It’s scary to move when you don’t know where you should go. When everywhere you’ve gone up til now was in one direction, and suddenly, you’re shifting course.
Where do you go when you shift course? Will there be sandy beaches and glorious sailing when you head that way? What’s in that direction?
I can’t see off into it. I don’t know, if I decide not to even try and cross the wall, if I’ll get the chance to do this same thing again. I thought (know) this is what the Lord called me to. I thought I had it all figured out.
I don’t know if I’m going to let go or not. The hard part about letting go is trust. Letting go doesn’t always mean “not ever.” It might just mean “not right now.” It might also mean, “this is still going to happen, it just might be in a different way than you were expecting.”
This is some real life FOMO. It’s taking some serious bravery to take a chance and be honest with where I am in the process so that I can move forward. The worst enemy of the great isn’t the bad, after all. It’s the good.
Sometimes we have to let go, even of something good, so that we can make space for the great. It takes faith to believe God is good. It takes faith to go for the stinky cheese.